Falling in Love

January 10th, 2011 by admin

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag, Drifting through the wind, Wanting to start again? No, it wasn’t my question it was just another stupid line from one of Katy Perry songs.
My question was : Have you ever felt in love and never be able to recover from it? To carry those mix feeling that hunt you the rest of your life.

Today I told my old school mates the story of my first love. I told them how it was started and how it went after the first time I met him. Even though I can tell everybody my story I couldn’t find enough words to describe my actual feeling for him. How I was trapped in a certain situation that I don’t want to be a part of and how I couldn’t stop drowning myself into it.

It was back in 1983 and not 1984 as I have told them earlier. I was then busy with fund raising and collecting money for a good cause which it was myself through selling cheap calendars for expensive price. What can we do to earn a lot of money in a short time. So we bullshitted a lot and tried to sell our goods.

Once, I’ve found myself in the quietest neighborhood in Bandung. I have entered a big white house with a well cared garden and a small tree. I didn’t know who lived in that house and did not care either as I just wanted to sell my goods. I heard lots of noises coming out from the house. A little bit of laughter and a lot of yelling. It Sounded like fun. So I rang the bell. They must be in a good mood as I thought.

When the door went open there he was standing in front of me. He has magnificent deep dark eyes with fully long eyelashes surround it. Felt like natural eyeliner which has made his look even more enchanting. He threw me his warm welcome with his mysterious friendly smile without saying any words to me. With his perfect tint and Bruce Lee-ish shape body he has made my heartbeat goes “Yoo Hoo..” I didn’t remember what I have asked in my pray before but I was certainly happy with this outcome. God has somehow listened to my thought and sent me this precious appearances. Which unfortunately I couldn’t keep nor brought home. So the day turned out to be a sad day after all.

Back in the 80’s we all were watching Jennifer Beals dancing her flash away and listening to Spandau Ballet telling the truth. The boys had their ears pierced and the girls had their hair sheepish curly. Finally Marry had found her lambs in the 80’s.

Even though we didn’t have any internet to play back then we did have a machine to socialized. I am not so sure what it’s name was but it worked in the same way as a chat box we have now. Who doesn’t want to talk to a stranger? Just exactly what our parents taught us not to do.

So I didn’t want to be left behind and got myself one of those thingies. It was really easy to operate. We searched for a busy Channel, listened to what they were talking about and got involve by using a nickname. My nickname was Yazoo like the fat lady who sang the blues. I didn’t compare myself to a fat lady but we all get there somehow.

On one of those channel there was a guy who made a lot of joke on air and I found it interesting. So I hang there for a while and listened to what he had to say. It was a comfortable channel, the participant were easy going and polite. They even let me stay in their channel without knowing who I was. But my head was still focusing on this certain guy who made a lot of jokes. I kept coming back every time I knew he was online. From then on we have developed a friendship through this chat box and hang out a lot digitally. I always laughed every time he told me a joke. I didn’t know why, because his jokes were not even funny (pls don’t read this line sweetheart, because I do love your jokes). Was I losing my sense of humor every time I heard his voice? or had I just a youth hormonal disorder? But there was something about him that made me feel comfortable.

After few month of talking through the machine we have decided to meet each other in the real life. He suggested if we could meet each other at the church as he has to go to Saturday afternoon mass anyway. So he asked me what my religion was. I didn’t answer him right away as I wanted to make sure that my religion the same was as his. I made jokes and talked some nonsense to found out what his religion was and it turned out to be catholic. And of course I was a catholic and of course I went to the same church as he did. Isn’t it coincident? Whatever …. But that was an easy pretending as I went to a catholic school and my experience taught me what to do.

Once I was in that church I was surrounded by humongous amount of people who really wanted to be there. So I couldn’t figure out which one he was. At that day I also met a few of my old school mates who looked at me as they saw a ghost. Has my evil thought really shown? Had I a burning aura? Anyway as I was in church I may as well pray and asked God, “Pls don’t let him be ugly. Pls God, I have seen enough of those”

After the service I went to the backyard and stayed at spot we have agreed to meet. Few minutes later there he was with bunch of guys walking toward me. I was relived “Thank God, You do know my taste”. But in real life he was different. His irresistible lips were full with silence and his smile woke up the butterflies out of their cocoon in my stomach. Amour’s arrow has officially pierced my heart and it was in a backyard of a church for goodness sake …

As time went by we stayed friends and spend times together along with all his friends which absolutely unfortunate for me but I acted cool. Because I didn’t want him to find out my actual felling for him. I didn’t want to lose him as a friend. I rather mute my feeling than stop seeing him.

One day he invited me to his house. He had a party or something like that. I wasn’t sure what the reason was as my thought never synchronized my action. But once I was there I remembered the place. He was the same guy with those magnificent eyes, enchanting face, Bruce Lee-ish body and silky soft skin. But the last one came from my own imagination as I have never touched his skin. He might have sand paper kind of skin. But the occasion has made me wondered why we met again. Was that a sign? a miracle? Was he a bless or just a curse?

At a certain point I couldn’t handle those feelings anymore and went to see a fortuneteller. I was insecure and wanted to know more about him. So I asked her about my relationship which I didn’t have. She started with “I don’t see any women in your life”. Did I really need her to tell me that? And so she went on and said “Maybe you are too young to have a relationship, that’s why I don’t see any women in your life” And I didn’t want to hear that either. Bad Fortuneteller, bad fortuneteller, bad fortuneteller. I wanted her to tell me that he was also in love with me but I guess he wasn’t.

As the fortuneteller didn’t work on my profit I have made another plan just to be with him. I occupied his time. We went out every weekend to the swimming pool, made a lot of schedule to hang out together. But Lord why he always had to bring all his friends along? I didn’t care about the rest of them I only wanted him. It has brought me to another idea. The only time I could spend alone with him when his friend were still asleep. So I asked him if he wanted to jog with me in the park early in the morning. He thought it was a good idea. So he felt for it. At 4 o’clock by the next morning there he was at my front door “WITH ALL HIS FRIENDS, ALL OF THEM” isn’t it romantic?

Deep inside I knew it will never happen. Because it is not even easy to get involve with a gay guy but to get involve with a straight guy will only made my urge a silly hope with a dead end. I tried to cope with my hopeless feeling by accepting the fact that he can only be a good friend of mine. And in those time I have spent with him I have learned how to know him well. He was not only a gorgeous appearances to my eyes but he had also a heart of gold and was a very dear friend. So I tried to live with that but it didn’t mean that I have stopped falling in love with him.

In 1985 my Mom decided to move to The Netherlands. She brought all her children along with her. I was excited and sad at the same time. I would face a new adventure but on the other hand I also have to say goodbye to all my friends. Even though I knew I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to him I found it the best way to do, so I could ease my burden by stop seeing him. As my feeling get stronger every day I didn’t want to make a fool out of myself. And he was too precious to be bothered by my problems.

Unfortunately my feeling didn’t stop there. After I have moved here we wrote letter to each other regularly. I always made a copy of each single letter I received from him so I can reread the copy without worn the original one. Just like a psychopath will do. It was not his story that made me reread those letters but his handwriting was on it and it made me feel close to him. I pictured him reading those letter and not writing it. Hearing the sounds of his voice, seeing the move of his lips and his unbelievable priceless smile. Now I really sounds like a psychopath. Please visit me if they lock me up because I have a lot story to tell but won’t have any internet access.

Three years later I have found out that he always knew about my feeling for him. He said “Of course I knew, I just have nothing to offered you back as I don’t feel the same way as you do”. But he never mentioned it before because he didn’t want me to feel embarrass about myself. From that moment I knew he was an angel and not a human. He was a bless and not a curse.

Now, 28 years passed by unstoppably. We all have developed our own wrinkles and learned well what calories and sugar can do to our bodies. Some of us become a very successful lawyer or amazing doctor. And some of us is still terrifying to stop falling in love with that person. The first love or maybe the only love worth falling into.

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Buying fake products is a foolish expensive habit

December 25th, 2009 by admin

“I don’t need brand to be beautiful, I need Couture” So don’t mix me up with a shopaholic because I am not. I don’t shop a lot but I do have terrifying expensive taste which I couldn’t effort it myself. So what are we going to do to solve these horrible problems? Should I purchase a fake label? Or should I purchase none?

If you walk through Face book you will find a lot of Pages and Profiles that offer you the replica goodies. These goodies looked almost similar as the real one and on some page they even use the picture of the genuine brand to seduce your sensor of fashion. The quality of these fake goodies is so good that some seller call it semi original. Which is totally crap, as we all know that there is no such things as Semi Original, There is nothing between Original and Fake.

What is the reason why a lot of people like to buy these labels? Do we really like them, or we just want to be judge well and belong to a certain group? If you really like them you can not help your self to want them but I do believe that you will never satisfied with the fake one as it wouldn’t be the one that you consider as pretty. If judge will be the reason, you do realize that you want people to misjudge you right? Because you do want to be seen with genuine products while you are walking around with a fake one. But don’t forget that people wont judge you for your goodies but for your whole personality so they will now anyway if you carry the fake one as it will belong to the rest of you.

Maybe money is the main reason why people consider to buy a fake one any way. Maybe we just don’t think it is worthy to spend so much money to buy the genuine product so we just purchase a fake because it is cheaper. But does it? So I went through Internet to check out the prices of this so called “semi original” products. The most of them asked between 20 to 30 % of the original price. It means that you can purchase 5 goods in state on 1. It is sounds reasonable but do you realize that you just purchase 5 worthless goods with the same amount of money as 1 valuable?

To prove my theory right, why don’t you can search for the vintage products? All genuine brands will somehow keep the value and the fake goods will end up in trashcan. So there is no investment in buying fake products it is just an expensive habit.

In my case money is the obstacle to buy a genuine product so it means I cannot effort to buy 5 fake ones either. My only possibility is to buy 1 fake one but considering it is worthless, I rather buy brand less products that suite my personality as it will cost me much less and both are totally worthless anyway. “Better no Brand then Fake Brand”

So my conclusion is to avoid buying fake products, as it won’t do your appearances or your wallet any good. Save the world started by saving the Couture.

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Wrong Crowed

December 22nd, 2009 by admin

Mr P said that being alone doesn’t mean being lonely and Mr A who is agreed with him said that loneliness is being not listened even though you have screamed it out loud. I believe it can be true. So if I follow their statements I can conclude that loneliness is just the symptom and not the disease. What is the cause of this disease? Are peoples really suffering from it? Do they want to be cure? Or is just a simple common phenomenon in this community?

Yesterday when I was gathering with friends we were talking about the coming up Holiday season. I was totally surprise to know that almost everybody in the room hasn’t planned anything to celebrate Christmas or New Year. When I asked my question it seems like I brought the hell fire to the room as people told me that you couldn’t celebrate anything alone. In this case they don’t talk about friends but about life partner. So if you don’t have any partner you don’t have anything to celebrate? But are they right? Maybe it didn’t affect all single person in this world but somehow it does affect the most. Like the article I have read last week: “The most single in The Netherlands want to have a winter sleep during the holiday seasons and wake up on second of January to avoid being alone during the Holiday seasons”

As naïve as I am (No, I am lying I just want to heat up the conversation) I brought up this article to discuses it with them. Even though they know how to describe their own experience of loneliness none of them can describe the cause of it. But after listening to different kind of stories I can conclude that being lonely is cause by “Being in the wrong crowed, which include one person space”.

But why we end up in a wrong crowed? In the most of cases is because we want to belong to something. Life seemed so much easier if you just joint the majority but in a long term it will always cost you more then what you received. And sometimes it cost a lot of irreparable damages. Unfortunately it is not always up to us to choose the right crowed such as Family, Colleague or Classmate. This environment in case of Mr P and Mr A has played a big deal. They both were married for years without wanted it. They both are gay but afraid for being banished by their own crowed so they followed the rule and suffered for loneliness for years. But what is worthier? Being in the wrong crowed or being alone? The most will chose the crowed because it seemed save. But does it? I don’t think so, I believe to avoid this kind of unnecessary unfortunate phenomenon is to select the right crowed for your self and don’t decide for others.

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Finding sight

May 4th, 2009 by admin

He left a blank note
Gone for a while, Jus for a while
searching for the first sentence
A vocal and meaning

Reach the north sea shore
He, him, his
Hearing the capital F
He, him, his

Ribbon and dice
Gambling and loosing
Spinning, rolling and turning
He, him, his

Gone for a while, just for a while
Shout to the north sea
His, his, his
He found him, just him

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Little Enemy

March 22nd, 2009 by admin

22 years past by without having any meaning. Some were born and some has died and some has killed or even killed him self in between. We all turn old and all the happiness and sorrow seems silently disappear. But what will happen if the gathering recap the time?
in the beginning I was only a young guy or like what they said: “a teenager with a childish mind” who has entered somebody else’s life for what I was. But I guess it didn’t mean I could expect the crowd to understand me. Even though it was the exact words they used as premature adult they couldn’t avoid my power of being as they saw me as the one who wanted to be the centre of the attention. But I was the child wasn’t I? If that was true why couldn’t bunch of adults beat a child? Why were they became the victim of situation? Are they drowning in their own modesty or just lost in their insecurity or am I just too much?
It was really amazing to know what some people things about you. For me it is not a matter of ignoring nor absorbing but a matter of making a reasonable result of the judgment. So I started to make my own judgment about my self. I recap my life in the last 22 years and count how many people might hate me and how many will do the other but the result didn’t supported their argument either.
As we all know history makes a future and today is the future of yesterday. All the present fruits are the seed we have planted in the past. I do have lots of insecurity but one thing I am sure about is that “today” I am not the one who is bitter nor lonely and am not the one who has to erase my self for my mistake so I guess it still makes me the centre of all.
Still I do believe they are certain about the way they have seen it and I have to respect that, but do I have to defending myself to convince them differently? I don’t think so because I know we will always be the little enemy of a wrong crowd.

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